As the anniversary gets closer and closer, I’m only fighting myself inside. There’s no cutting, starving or crying. I stay in silence. I wish I could explode and cry and yell. All the things I have to control myself from doing because it harms everyone me. I can’t put them through that again, I love them too much. But inside , I feel the same, I’m just so determined and driven , I don’t want. To jeopardise my success over a couple of cuts. Everyone will know this time. The other school already found out and I can’t have it happen again. But oh how I want to crack , I want to finally break, but I know I’m too strong to let it happen . So I guess I’ll let the days pass in silent pain and hope when the days come that I will have some way to numb myself. It may be another suicide attempt , but on the same day as the year before? Maybe people will realise it’s no coincidence and that things…still…haven’t ….changed.
Hello stranger :) ,
I’m going to tell you my story . I am 15 years old and I’m a freshman in high school. Although I am young I have been through a lot and am not your average self centred teenage girl, nor am I the type of girl who says they aren’t , but in reality, they are … Exactly like everyone else. I have been bullied all of my childhood because I was an early bloomer and had my period at the small age of 9. Yes, NINE. I didn’t even know what it was! I was terrified,confused and uncomfortable With my body. And as if that weren’t bad enough, my classmates had an even bigger problem with my body than I did and constantly insulted me and laughed at me. I ate alone every single day and dreaded lunch time. The years passed and I gained some self confidence. Buy after having a boyfriend who hit me on a daily basis in 7th grade, the cocky girl on the outside stayed but on the inside I hated myself. He dumped me ( thank god ) and well I felt even uglier. I stopped eating and lost so much weight I had gotten anemia and had to get several blood tests and go to the doctor. I lied to her and she told my mom nothing. I did it on purpose, I knew it was bad for me. I just didn’t want my mom to know that the only thing I was hungry for all the time was perfection and craved control. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had been also cutting on a daily basis on both arms and legs just to stay sane. In the middle of it all , god sent me a gift, an angel. My boyfriend who just started going out with me, was always there for me but it sadly wasn’t enough. I tried to commit suicide and on my third try, my boyfriend found out and told my parents. He saved my life. And even though I hates him for it at the time, I’m now very grateful. I was later sent to a psychologist and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. For a couple months I was on antipsychotics and antidepressants . Before starting high school i got off the pills and tried to start over :) the thing is…. Bipolar doesn’t go away and neither does my self esteem issues. Although I have my boyfriend of a year now who was there trough it all and loved me( still does) i still struggle . My memory fades more and more every day and I forget who is sometimes when we’re out together…. I still get jealous and have my mood swings but as far as anyone thinks , I’m perfectly fine. Soo this is my tumblr. This is my struggle to hide it all and try to be perfect. To tr to be a size 0, keep my 4.0 , ignore the racist jokes I get every day for being a Mexican who isn’t trashy, a druggie or living in a ghetto area. This is my ongoing story and thanks of you read this far
Have you ever just felt so stupid, fat, disgusting, and worthless to point where you don’t want to be here anymore ? And you just want to cry and cry and cry?! I feel like such a complete failure. I’m huge, disgusting and gross. I manage to fuck up every friendship and push away and Hirt the ones I love the most. I feel so lonely, bit at the same time the presence of everyone around me is just overwhelming .
